Navigating Open Relationships: Honesty, Trust, and Communication

Dear Alex,

I have been with my boyfriend for two years, and I have a secret: I frequently hook up with other guys.

This has been my reality throughout our entire relationship. Before we met, I was quite active and enjoyed being with different partners, a habit I never truly abandoned. There was a brief period at the beginning when I was all about my boyfriend, Chris, and didn’t seek anyone else. But the thrill of new encounters drew me back in.

The first hookup happened after a few months of exclusive dating. I met someone irresistible on an app, and after that, I just continued. I never told Chris about this because I worried it might hurt him. Recently, a close friend's relationship ended abruptly when his partner found out about his infidelities. This made me reflect on my situation.

I’m uncertain about Chris's reaction if he knew. We’ve never discussed the idea of being open or exclusive. I hope he’d understand that my hookups don’t affect my feelings for him or my commitment level. They’re just about fun and excitement.

But I fear it would cause him pain. When my friend’s partner discovered his extra activities, he felt deeply betrayed, despite there being no emotional ties.

I am guilty for hiding this from Chris and am contemplating confessing. I wish he would be okay with my lifestyle choice and accept it. Yet, a part of me fears his disapproval, leading me to question whether maintaining silence is the best route.

What are your thoughts on how I should proceed?

Advice from Dr. Taylor

Honesty is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Sharing significant aspects of your life with your partner, even difficult ones, is crucial.

Chris might have a very different view of your relationship compared to the reality. You two never talked about relationship boundaries, and you’ve been making decisions unilaterally. It's crucial to bring him into the conversation and understand what kind of relationship you both want.

While Chris shares some responsibility for not having addressed this topic, it doesn’t absolve you from communicating your desires and ensuring he’s aware of the reality.

Facing the possibility that your partner might not like something doesn’t justify hiding it. Your encounters might seem trivial to you, but they could be significant to Chris. The only way to know is to ask.

Reflect on the standards you want to uphold as a partner. Imagine how you'd feel if Chris kept something akin from you because he feared your reaction.

True intimacy involves knowing each other deeply. This means being open and transparent about who you are, not just sharing what you think will be well-received.

Your current situation pushes you to decide who you want to be and how you want your relationship to evolve. You have an opportunity to:

• Consider whether you desire an honest and open connection.
• Push yourself to tackle significant issues with Chris, even if he might not approve.
• Develop the courage to engage in difficult conversations calmly.
• Identify what matters most because your choices might lead to unfavored consequences.
• Accept that you might disappoint Chris, facing the consequences of your actions.

If you truly desire an open relationship and Chris opposes, ending things honestly is kinder than deceit.

Dr. Jamie Taylor, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist specializing in couple dynamics and individual therapy. All client information is altered for confidentiality. Have a question? Reach out at [email protected].