Journey of Transformation: From "Butch" Identity to Embracing Authentic Self

My journey from mislabeling and misunderstanding

Growing up, I was often tagged as a butch lesbian. Yet, I never truly saw myself as a woman, and I didn't have words that fit what I felt. The one thing that never changed? My deep attraction towards women. At that time, "butch" seemed like a label that somewhat matched my masculine vibes and protective instincts.

Today, people see me as a straight man. Technically, they're right. But when folks sum up my journey as going "from butch lesbian back then, and now as a straight man," it misses all those subtle shifts I've been through. It's as if people think I've changed at my core, but honestly, I've always known who I love.

Finding my true identity: Embracing my transgender journey

Before I came out as transgender, I wrestled with fitting under that "lesbian" label. It was a close fit but never really hit home. I wasn't a woman who loved women; I felt like a man stuck in a woman's body. Back then, identifying as transgender seemed out there. But I made do with what I had, even though it never felt quite right.

Finally owning my transgender identity gave me not just words, but a life I'd been chasing. But with it came a shift in how people saw my sexuality. Some assumed I now liked men, as if coming out once meant I had changed in all aspects. Others thought I'd always been this straight man playing a part. Reality? It's more layered than that. I didn't "turn" straight; I matched my gender with who I've always been.

Navigating transgender identity and orientation's intricacies

Not every transgender person's path looks alike. For some, transitioning stirs new desires and orientations. For others like me, even if my orientation hasn't shifted, people's perceptions have.

The disconnect between who we are and how we're seen can be huge. When viewed as a masculine woman, my attraction was labeled queer. Now, as a man, it's seen as straight. This change affects how people treat me and interpret my relationships. I do miss being recognized in queer spaces, despite now living in a body that finally fits.

How sports revealed my true self

Sports helped me uncover who I am. Competing in horseback riding during college, I noticed horses didn't care about gender; all they wanted was your presence. Riding became my sanctuary where strength and skill overshadowed societal labels. My horse saw me clearly, even when I struggled with my own reflection.

These days, I run. Completing my first marathon in L.A.—all 26.2 miles—has given me new insights and liberated me through movement. Running gave back that feeling I lost after I stopped riding: being present and strong in my body.

The parallels between training and transitioning are fascinating; both demand patience and believing in what lies ahead. Running lets me celebrate who I am now and honor every version leading up here.

Moving beyond labels: Embracing diverse transgender experiences

Trans and sexual identities aren't neatly boxed. Society often prefers a binary view, but trans experiences are more nuanced. Some find their sexuality shifts with growth, hormones, and bodily comfort, while others stay constant. Both are legitimate and deserve a place in queer communities.

Every orientation—whether stable, shifting, or undefined—counts. They don't define your validity, either as trans or a person. A non-linear journey doesn't make you less genuine.

For me, transitioning wasn't about becoming someone else. It was about embracing my true self, including my enduring love towards women. Maybe society calls me a straight man now, and sure, that's one perspective. But inside, I've carried every past version, each helping shape who I am right now.

Looking back, I wonder how things might've been with more openness and vocabulary growing up. Maybe I wouldn't have used "butch lesbian" as a placeholder or would've realized my gender identity sooner. Nevertheless, every identity I've worn has contributed something vital, and I treasure this evolution.

So, while you might see a transition from butch lesbian back then, and now as a straight man, that's just a headline. In truth, I've always been me. I've always loved women, and that love remains at my core.

About Me:

Jay Robinson calls Los Angeles home, where he's deeply involved with a kitten nursery's lifesaving work. As a trans athlete, he completed his first marathon this past March. You can connect with Jay at [email protected].