Braving the Ice: A Hockey Referee's Journey to Acceptance

This story is part of our Pride Pioneer series, highlighting individuals who have courageously shared their journeys.

Reflecting on my first game as a hockey referee, my memory is somewhat blurred. I was a teenager, around 15 or 16 years old, officiating a Pee Wee match between the Buffalo Regals and a team from Toronto. It marked my debut with the orange armbands in the three-official system.

The specifics of that game—what penalties I called, who emerged victorious, and the circumstances surrounding the ejection of the Toronto coach—are lost to me. However, the remark he made as he left the rink remains vivid: "I'll say hi to your boyfriend in the lobby." His words weren’t intended as an embrace but rather a taunt.

At that time, I was fervently trying to convince myself I was straight. I attended school in a conservative suburb of Buffalo, where being identified as gay equated to social exile. In such an environment, the desire to fit in, especially within the testosterone-driven culture of hockey, drove me deep into the closet.

Officiating in hockey is about teamwork. We consider ourselves the third team on the ice, striving to be the best, regardless of whether it’s a leisurely weekend match or a high-stakes championship. Errors are inevitable, but they can tarnish the entire crew's reputation. My fear about coming out revolved around how my team would react. Would they still accept me, or would my presence become uncomfortable?

Attending Canisius College, a small Catholic-Jesuit school in Buffalo, unexpectedly became a turning point. While one might assume a religious institution would push me further into hiding, it did quite the opposite. In college, I met openly gay individuals who were not outcasts but engaging people. This exposure was enlightening.

Initially, I persisted in the facade, dating girls throughout my early college years. However, the summer before my senior year marked a pivotal change. I switched my Tinder preferences from girls to guys, met someone special, and we have been together ever since.

Coming out to my family and close friends was relatively easy. Their love was unwavering, and many had suspected my truth long before I admitted it to myself. Yet, the thought of revealing my sexuality to my officiating colleagues loomed over me, threatening my joy in refereeing.

Fast forward to a year post my personal coming out, and I was still partially cloaked in secrecy. The political climate on November 9, 2016, added to my turmoil. Frustrated, I composed a Facebook post, initially as a personal release. As I reread my words, I realized the necessity of sharing them.

Upon posting, I braced for the response. As expected, supportive messages flooded in from friends and family. However, the overwhelming and heartening reactions came from my fellow referees. I received an outpouring of solidarity and encouragement.

“I have your back, no matter what.”

“If anyone gives you trouble, just say the word.”

“You define class.”

“I’d be honored to share the ice with you.”

The apprehension that had shadowed my identity vanished overnight. For the first time, I could officiate freely, unburdened by fear. Many colleagues have since met my boyfriend, and they often express excitement to meet him.

“Team Stripes had my back. They’ll have yours too.”

While I write this, I aim not to draw attention to myself but to offer hope. No NHL player has publicly come out yet, but I share my story to inspire aspiring players or officials grappling with their sexuality.

Remember, you are not alone. Our community supports you, and together we can foster an environment where everyone feels included and celebrated.

Alex Valvo is an ice hockey referee working with NCAA Division I, NCAA Division III, and USA Hockey. A Canisius College alum, he is a role model for courage and authenticity. Connect with Alex on Instagram @alex_valvo.